Take a breath or two

I realized yesterday,(after I got home, fell on my knees and began to cry a river) that I had distanced myself from my father up above for awhile there. As a result I began putting up a wall around myself as if it would keep me safe from others. Since I had deserted him, I began to believe that he had deserted me. But all along he has been there and continuously saves me from giving up.

This month has brought many tears to a lot of people I admire. My friend Sylvia is what the ‘hippies’ would call a ‘wild child’. She is hyper active, loud, funny, and blunt and has one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen. She is constantly putting her hand out there and people tend to take her arm. She has so much going on right now but still finds time to stop and listen to your needs. Don’t get me wrong, we end up pissing eachother off every now and then, but of course those differences are what makes our friendship stronger. This ‘little’ woman has a ‘big’ mouth just as she does a heart. I admire the strength she has found with all the crap put in to her life. Well, these past few weeks, her faith has been tested and yet she still standing. Sylvia lost a very good friend just a few weeks ago. I remember having the pleasure of meeting Patty. She was a beautiful, young, smart looking woman. Plenty of times she was there for Sylvia and that says enough about her to me. It’s strange how you meet people through out your life, which you may never see or remember again. As for Patty, I only met up with her three times, but that was enough for her to have an impacted me.

Just seeing how hard this hit Sylvia, I began to feel her pain. It makes me admire Sylvia for her strength. Especially the way I’ve been feeling lately. Needless to say, I had forgotten to smile for a while there. I’m sure the correct medical term would be ‘depression’….In my opinion is simply loosing yourself in thought.

I tried breaking away but no matter which way I’d try run to, I felt a door shut in my face. For days, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been swimming in the ocean; with out and end. There is no particular reason why I felt this way….too many to pin point. One of the biggest things in my mind has been the look on Sylvia’s nephew’s face…Eddie. He had been in a serious relationship with Patty for the past five years.

When I think about Eddie and the loss he had to endure, my heart aches for him and his recent lost love. Even just now, as I picture him in my mind, I imagine the depth of his pain in his eyes.
I can read all his unanswered questions and begin to wonder myself, what of me? What will become of my own personal death? Will those I loved the most miss me and need me? Will those that hurt me deeply come around and ask the Lord for forgiveness? It saddens me to see how much Eddie longs for his lovely lady and yet there is nothing none of us can do to make it better. That feeling of sorrow has impacted me in such a big way.

All of sudden some thing happens that simply takes it all away in a second, a miracle…. I see Branden smile. There is nothing out there which touches my heart and soul as that unconditional love my son gives me. The Lord uses Branden as a reminder of just how much love he has for me. And with that love I can be strong enough like Sylvia to pray with faith for Eddie; who has just a few days ago, lost another important member of his family.

Lord, to you I pray in faith. I pray that you may forgive us for our sins and give us the strength, patience and understanding that we need. I pray that you may take those we love under your wing and keep them safe until we meet again.